Control or Out of Control

Control--it doesn’t have to be cutting to make us hurt. There can be physical pain of course, but there is also heartache, emotional pain. Voices--or noises--in our head sometimes won’t go away. I’ve had times with no peace in my head. There were many nights I couldn’t sleep. No peace. And I know the biggest peace giver--He gives peace like no one can. But peace was nonexistent.
I’m listening to the song “Control” by JJ Heller and it brings back memories. Me, I’ve come a long way but many nights I needed something to take the place of those “noises” swarming around up there. Music or videos on the ipod had to put me to sleep.
Sleep doesn’t/didn’t often come til 2 or 3 in the morning. I could have spent those hours praying but I was too restless--I couldn’t focus--I couldn’t think. It’s been slowly getting better. Sleep comes easier now.
During that time, I found a church where I felt safe and could heal. The worship was what I needed. The messages touched my heart once again.
“Beauty Will Rise” (Steven Curtis Chapman) from the ashes in the troubles and trials we may go through. “We know joy is coming in the morning....So take another breath for now and let the tears come washing down-and if you can’t believe, I’ll believe for you cause I have seen the signs of spring.”
(“Heaven is the Face” Stephen Curtis Chapman)
“God, you know, I just can’t SEE beyond the door,
But in my minds eye I can SEE a place where your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there’s no one left in the orphan’s bed
And no more not enough
And there’s no more enemy.”
I love that--every mouth is fed, no one left in the orphans bed. Jesus does care for these little ones, the least of these. He will one day ease their pain. He will one day hold them in His arms. Until then, what are we waiting for? He has given us a job to do. It’s amazing to see others take these little ones into their arms, hearts and homes and give them a safe place to live. A home. Blessed are those who are parents, grandparents, foster parents, adoptive parents, those who serve in orphanages, in the slums of Kibera or in the dumps of Ecuador.
I love that the cancer will be gone. I lost a brother and father to cancer. I’ve had cancer. My sister has had cancer. It’s a scary thing so we put our hope in Jesus. He is the Healer. He is the Great Physician.
I was on the border of belief and unbelief. I knew in my head I needed to believe but I chose to begin wondering why. And I hear a song that helps me see truth again.
(“I Will Trust You” SCC)
“...And I will trust you, even though I don’t understand,
even then I will say again you are my God
And I will trust you
“Jesus Will Meet You There” because “Spring Is Coming”.
When I first listened to Steven Curtis Chapman’s CD, “Beauty Will Rise”, I cried. I cried through every song. I had also just read, MaryBeth Chapman’s book, Choosing To See. That also helped to put the songs into perspective. This was his first record since his daughter Maria went to heaven. I can’t even begin to feel his pain, or that of his family. But as I listened again yesterday, on the way to the mountains, without tears I might add, the songs spoke another story for me. I’m thankful for music--how it speaks to me personally--how it related on different levels to what I may be going through or a friend or loved one.
That was just “On My Mind”.