Restless

I’m in the beginning stages of 5 books again. I can’t seem to get going on just one or two—but 5??? It’s all about interest level I guess. At this moment, I’m reading Restless: because you were made for more by Jennie Allen. Yes, I’ve been rather restless for the past several years. Pretty much since we’ve been in Tennessee. I had all these plans to get involved with this cause or that one but didn’t get too far. Unmotivated, lazy, dragging my feet, forgetful? Excuses every one of them and I’ve fallen into all of those at one time or another. So here I sit—RESTLESS! Fear has struck at this point. Can I actually pray “God, anything. You have me.”? I sometimes wonder. I’m a dreamer—and God’s a dreamer too. God built us to dream. dream (n.) A strongly desired goal or purpose something that fully satisfies a wish a visionary creation of the imagination Am I afraid God’s dream won’t coincide with mine? When my dreams don’t come true, I tend to give up. I’ve done that more than once: given up. However, I should never stop searching for purpose until God’s will becomes my passion. Am I afraid? Is there some deep need within me that keeps me from missing God’s plans for me? Maybe I should quit analyzing so much: “Quit analyzing everything and just do something.” -Kevin DeYoung “Just Do Something!” Yes, maybe that’s a good idea. Just do something. Stop just thinking about it and follow through. “So God, what am I supposed to do?” How about respond to the need you see right now. John Piper said-“Know Scripture, know yourself, and know the need around you.” We’re all different yet we’re one body. We each have a gift and we’re given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. And are my motives pure? Is my heart right before God? Is this where surrender comes in to play? The parable that Allen uses of running the race hit home with my kids and I. We’ve all been hurt by people; by the church. And as we sit there by the side of the road, we see others racing by. No one stops to offer help when we’re hurting. Why were we hurt? What happened? This is the church. Aren’t they supposed to stop and check on us? People are too busy with their own race it seems to stop and ask if we’re hurt or need help. For that matter, have I taken the time to stop for those on the side of the road? There is a time for every purpose under heaven. What time is it for me? What season am I in? What part of the race am I on? Will I finish well? Will I finish at all? Or will I stay by the side of the road. I’m thirsty. I’ve been waiting for someone to show me the way back into the race. I’ve been hurting and I’m longing for more. I’m not satisfied but not sure what to do about it. I’m asking, “Is there more? And if there is, how do I find it?” (paraphrase from the book) God has been speaking—but I haven’t always been quiet. I try to listen but I’m not sure what to do with all he is saying, what he’s asking of me. Paul says in Ephesians 4:1 “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” I need to run towards Hebrews 12:1-3: Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross scorning its shame and sat down on the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I don't live the life of an adventurous world traveling missionary, though I'd like to. And I don't live the life of a wilderness naturalist, though I'd love to. But I live the life of a wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece and caregiver. I know we're to do the best we can, no matter what we are doing. But I sometimes want to do more. Then there are times I just want to sit in my room and be alone. I'd never be a motivational speaker without a little motivation, and that's what I think I lack. I can come up with ideas and reasons but the follow through isn't always there. I have gotten to do a lot of different things in my life. And most of them I've enjoyed. I've set goals, and accomplished some of those. But, still, there are other things I've thought about doing, but either didn't have the nerve or the "gumption" to get it done. I took up a challenge, well really I tweaked it a bit, but I haven't even worked on that all that much. I have a habit of reading several books at once, if I find some that catch my interest. I was in the middle of like 5 books and I was determined finish them all. Well, I got 2 finished, but then I added a couple. So now, I'm in the middle of 6. One also includes a study guide. So I filled out a calendar with the books I'll read each day but I'm still behind. Now I can't even find the calendar. Sometimes I just can't focus and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to read. However, I will eventually get them read, one way or the other. And did I mention, I hardly read a book from front to back. Does that tell you anything? Here it is the second week of December and I still haven't finished my next book. I'm now reading a children's book: My Side of the Mountain. A good read.

I haven't been keeping up with blogging, at least on this blog. It was over a year before I blogged last night about my husband's surgery. I've often thought about it though. I do have a nature blog that I use to keep track of my Kamana journaling. September was the last blog posted there. I haven't been out journaling because of the invasion of progress to my neighborhood. I believe I will post a bit of my last evaluation though. This week has been up and down with emotions. And Jim has been up and down with how he's been feeling. Some days are good and he's sitting up watching TV or a movie. Other times he's feeling slow and in bed. I did call the doctor again to find out if any of his symptoms have been unusual but I guess not. He still has another week before going in to see the surgeon. I'm not sure what's going to happen. Taking it one day at a time. I have a hard time with caregiving. With kids, it's a piece of cake. But with adults, it gets a bit harder. I did help with Jim's mom and dads a few years ago when they were going through diabetes and heart failure before passing into heaven. That was a difficult time. Oh, it wasn't both at the same time, a couple of years apart. And I've had mom living with us for a while now making sure she's comfortable, taking her to the doctors and to JoAnne's for her yarn. However, she's now living with Melanie again, for a while at least. Now with Jim, a little different still. I'm praying for a quick recovery, but still no idea what the future holds for him. Whether he'll return to work or completely retire this time. I can't really see him doing that though, since he loves being around people so much and I'm just pretty boring. Ha! We'll find out more after his doctor's visits. In the meantime, I'm trying to relearn to cook, in a more healthy manner. It's not easy since I haven't cook much in years. With Jim's schedule so varied, we eat on the fly a lot of times. I'm afraid I'm in need of help. I had fun with the boys this week. Friday we went shopping for Operation Christmas Child to fill our shoe boxes for a child someplace in this world who may not get Christmas otherwise. We tried watching the new Veggie Tales Christmas movie but the boys weren't very interested. But we still had fun. Till next time...

The Heart of the Matter

I’ve taken on a challenge--that’s right--to blog once a week this month. From whom you may ask? From a friend at lovewritecreate.com. Check these 3 authors out if you are currently writing or if you’re an aspiring author. I haven’t blogged in some time and I have been thinking about it this week. So here I am. On Halloween, my husband Jim, had an appointment for an angioplasty. He had been having some symptoms which he thought were bronchial/respiratory. After seeing his doctor, he was referred to a heart specialist and a few days later this test. We got to the hospital around 7 a.m. for the 9 a.m. procedure. They were running late but I just hung out in Jim’s room. I received a text from a friend out in the waiting room and went out to talk. MJ is a nurse and she just felt she needed to be there with me. And was she ever right. A while later, the nurse came to get me, however, not just me. She insisted that my friend come along. I knew things must be serious. After talking with the doctor, I was informed that Jim had 2 arteries that were blocked at 99% and that he’d need a triple bypass surgery. Well, I sure wasn’t expecting that. I saw pictures of the blockage and was told that the catheter couldn’t even enter into the blocked area--they had to shoot die into it to see further. I was later informed that this blockage was called the “widowmaker” because it often times ends in a major heart attack and even death. The doctor was surprised that he hadn’t had a heart attack or even any heart damage. Jim had been having these symptoms for 2-3 months. Needless to say, Jim wasn’t leaving the hospital that night. Later that afternoon, my kids arrived to stay with me awhile. I decided to go home that night to get some sleep. I felt Jim was in good hands. The next morning, bright and early, my sister and I headed for the hospital again to hopefully catch Jim before he went in for surgery. We made it. We got to see him a few minutes before they began anesthesia. We went in once more, right before being wheeled to the OR and he randomly asked: “Did Ben get a job?” Then began the waiting game. It took about three and a half hours for the surgery and the staff was good about informing us of the progress about every ninety minutes. We sat, we talked, we snacked, and we walked, waiting for the outcome. Around 11:30, surgery was over and we could speak with the doctor. All went well and we peeked in on Jim who was hooked up to so many machines and IV’s it was a bit scary. We had to leave him for a few hours and returned after they had removed his breathing tube. It ended up being a quadruple bypass. We were extremely pleased with the hospital, the doctors, nurses and staff. They were wonderful. And so happy that Jim finally listened to his friends and got checked out. He’s home now recuperating but is missing work and his coworkers.

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog. However, I have written up a few stories on my naturalist blog. I've been taking the 2nd session of an extension class, so I've added some of my adventures in the field, how I feel about them, and what I've seen or heard. In some I have shared about my "sit spot", a place close to home that can be visited on a daily basis if I want to and then "spots" that are a little further away. I got a little bored with my "sit spot" at times because I'd never see anything new. However, the more I came the more I became familiar with the birds that I did see. I saw the beauty in even the weeds. I learned to identify some new species of birds and wildflowers as well as clouds. I think perhaps that was the most interesting for me this past month--the shapes of clouds, learning to identify them and to find animals and objects found within the clouds. Of course, we've had some intense summer storms which have bee exciting to see. One just the other night. The sky continued to light up over and over even though I couldn't always hear any thunder. Glad we didn't lose the BBQ grill. Only the fire pit was swept across the street. As far as visitors this past year, my sister came for a visit, as well as her daughter. They came at different times so we got to spread out our visiting the sites and eateries of Nashville. Later my niece and her daughter came to visit from CA and we did it all over again. In May I took a trip to Oregon to visit my son whom I hadn't seen in 5 years. It was great to see him and his girlfriend along with their dog, Mr. Bottoms. I got to see a lot of Portland and their motto, keep it strange, is true to the city. It was interesting to say the least. I stayed with my sister and then got to visit some great places, especially the eateries. I love eating out. I got to visit a couple of churches in the area and a pancake place with a griddle in the middle of our table. We got to make our own pancakes. How fun was that. A Chinese restaurant, unlike my usual Chinese food (Panda, lol). Visited the big open market down by the river and saw all kinds of interesting people and things, including a guy on a bike with a piano on the front of it pedaling around playing and singing. Had some delicious Mexican food, pizza and cajun sub. My niece took me to the zoo which was a lot of fun. I hadn't been in years so didn't really remember much. After Portland I headed to Colorado to meet my godson for the very first time. He is terrific. I had a great time with all 6 kids and tried to help out as they were in the middle of packing up for a cross country move. I got home a couple of weeks later and though it was good to be home, I must say it was a great vacation. Next? A trip to CA. Can't wait. Will try to post when I get back.

Week 3 of Lent

I ended up slacking off last weeks challenge. I had attempted eating just 7 foods but that just didn’t work for me. Because I’m lazy? Selfish? Not sure if I have an answer for that. Just plain didn’t want to I suppose. I like to eat. And I like to go out to eat.
So, this week’s challenge is to change the way I spend my time, eat, dress, etc. to reflect my passions. So I decided I’d do the “7” challenge for dress by wearing only 7 different pieces of clothing this week. My choices for this week will be: jeans, gray shoes, p.j. bottoms, Africa t-shirt, gray striped longsleeve shirt, lightweight blue jacket, and Mickey longsleeve shirt. Underclothes are considered free. I don’t want to remove my pierced jewelry in case the holes close up--is that cheating?
How does this relate to my passions? Well, I’m passionate about the poor and needy. Though I realize many people in developing nations don’t even have 7 pieces of clothing to their name, I’m going to try doing without a lot. I’ve been trying to rid my life of “things” and live more simply but it’s not always easy in a society like ours that more means a better life or happier, etc. I’m not one to buy a new wardrobe every season. I own 1 pair of pants and 2 pairs of shoes (besides my slippers). Well, no, 3 counting my hiking boots. I can’t really imagine what it is like to wear rags and only 2 sets for that matter. What clothes do I have that I truly need and which ones do I have just because.
Now, my eating for the week. I decided to forgo something different each day. Many people around the world don’t have the luxury of going to the grocery store each time they are out of something. For that matter, they don’t have the money to buy something extra. The other day I wanted something sweet, since I was giving up chocolate. So I bought my Red Vines and Hot Tamales. Do people really get the chance to do that in a 3rd world country? Any time they please? So for Monday I decided to just eat fruit. I started the morning off with a fruit smoothie. I made it that far. Can I go the entire day? Hope so. I made it.
Day 2 I gave up sweets--candy, cookies, cake, etc. But was that really fair since I don’t always have those things anyway? Well, day 2 ended my week for changing my eating.
But, it’s Sunday and I went the whole week using just 7 articles of clothing. However, I did wash some of them once during the week. Most people in the poorer nations would have done them by hand, I had the luxury of a washer and dryer.
So did any of this matter or do any good? Well, for me, it was a prompt--a reminder--to pray for those in need.

Lent and Sacrifice Revisited

I did spend a little time trying to decide what I could/should give up during Lent. I felt chocolate was a good thing to let go of for at least 40 days. I was doing okay but yesterday I was having some cravings, or withdrawals. I did mess up when Carey made a little individual chocolate cake and wanted me to taste it. I wasn't even thinking and took a bite (my confession) though it was probably 1/4 teaspoon.
Another thing I challenged myself with was the "7" challenges in Jen Hatmaker's book. The topics I mentioned in my "Lent" blog. Instead of spending a month on each goal, I'd spend a week. So last week was giving away 7 things each day for 7 days. How did I do? Don't ask! I did bag up several items but I haven't got the other things ready. Plus, I'm trying to find a local group that can use them. This week's topic is food. I chose 7 foods and that's all I can eat. The foods I chose are: peanut butter, whole wheat bread, oatmeal, carrots, apples, flour tortillas and beans and water is free. How did I do on day one? Well, the oatmeal pretty much made me gag. Since I couldn't use any type of sweetener, I shredded up some apples to mix in. Ummm, it didn't really help. Then for lunch, I had a bean burrito but cheated by having a little cheese on it. (I really didn't need to do that.) Then tonight I had 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter. Another confession, Jim brought me a Vitamin Water and without thinking I took a drink. Okay, so today didn't go so well.
The challenge from Relentless Act:s of Sacrifice was to sacrifice our living (or work) space to remind us of what is important, what we're passionate about, reminders. So I've done that with my sitting/classroom. I've put up pictures of street children in Africa, pictures and posters of verses for the poor, how Jesus wants us to fast, the hungry, lack of clean water, malaria, etc.
This second week of sacrifice is about the food we eat. So many countries live on less than $2 a day. They can barely feed their families. As political crisis continue, food prices escalate. (As in Madagascar.) Change the way you eat and the information you consume. Kind of goes along with the "7" challenge for this week.
I hope that you are drawing close to the Lord during these days before we celebrate the resurrection of our Savior.
I will keep you posted on my challenges. I think I can do more.